Marvin Sapp has a song called “Best in Me.” The chorus says “You saw the best in me when everyone else around me could only see the worst in me. “ It’s a great song that makes plain the love and mercy that God has for each of us.
But what happens when in addition to God seeing the best in you, so does everyone else? I would assume that you’re joyfully on your way to living out God’s purpose for your life. Great! Two thumbs up!
But what happens when God sees the best in you, your family sees the best in you, your friends see the best in you, random strangers you meet see the best in you BUT you only see the WORST in you?
What happens when a perpetual emptiness is with you throughout the day? An emptiness that makes everything feel pointless. An emptiness that causes you to forget important things like deadlines, doctor appointment and dear friends' birthdays.
What happens when you see that great future? But a part of you believes it’s a mirage that will quickly disappear as soon as you get close enough. A part of you that feels you’ll always be miserable.
What happens when you can’t shake these negative, self defeating thoughts? Even though you have a relationship with GOD. Even though you’re surrounded by people who really love you for you.
Without a doubt you will never fulfill God’s purpose for your life.
So why can’t I get it together? I have tried prayer, herbal concoctions, talk therapy, exercise, acupuncture and nothing lasts.
So now what? I must keep looking. That’s the only answer.
Recently, I had one of my “moods” as my very close, close friends are familiar with me saying. In these moods, crying for every conceivable thing that gets me upset or makes me feel overwhelmed is my choice of expression. Getting annoyed at the simplest question like when my little brother caringly calls to ask me “Shari, when are you coming home? It’s late. I’m worried about you,” gets no response in return. I usually disconnect the call.
Not nice. I know but during these moods I don’t want to be bothered with explaining anything to anyone.
What’s scary to me is at the age of 26, these “moods” are never far away. I’m up then I’m down. What’s frustrating is that these moods literally attack me like my indoor/outdoor allergies that have so many triggers it doesn’t even matter anymore if I dusted around the house or the pollen count is low outside. In time, my eyes will tear up.
I can’t give into this idea of seeing the world as a dark, lonely place any longer especially when people say that I light up their world. I just want to begin to light up my own world so that the happy episodes grow longer while the darker periods grow shorter.
Please pray that I figure out the solution to this persistent depressive mood that takes my joy away every time I feel like I’m getting better. I believe in the power of prayer and I know that the squeakiest wheel gets the oil. So I’m sharing this so that you can include me in your prayers.
GOD, HEAR MY HUMBLE CRY.
Shari, perhaps the solution to your mood is to spend time alone in a new environment. Perhaps a resort on a beach in a different country alone, with your cellphone in and wallet locked in the safe. No need to worry about money cuz its all inclusive nor the time of day or speaking to anyone because the only thing on your agenda is yourself. I took a mini version of this once and it was perfect. You should try it. Just serious alone time. Its awesome. You will return refreshed and renewed. The breeze blowing, the sun glowing against your skin and the sand between your toes as the waves crash creating music in your ears. The beach is where I find relaxation. When I cant make it to the beach, I simply take long walks alone throughout DC, cellphone on silent and in my pocket. Just walking alone with no destination in mind clears my head and lifts my spirit.
ReplyDeleteHi Shari
ReplyDeleteAs always I just want to reach out to you and say thank you for "keeping it real." From the time I read your first blogs I knew that you were something special. You continue to share the real and true you with your readers. You are most definitely in my prayers. I go through the ups and downs myself, just because I'm saved by the blood of Jesus, does not make me exempt from these mood swings. Keep up the good work. May Christ Jesus bless you.
Marchello